7 months later...and WOW

7 months later...and WOW, how things have changed!

This year turned out COMPLETELY different than I had anticipated on New Year's Day.

My EX-boyfriend and I broke up in February. It was just time. The distance fueled the existing issues that had accidentally been brought in from Part 1...and we failed at communicating effectively. It was sad and unfortunate, but it was for the best. I was actually relieved.... like I am after the last 2 break ups in my adult life.... hmmm....interesante. Ha

This year was supposed to be the year to get my stuff together and it didn't happen :-/ I can only blame myself for not making a true plan. So, I am changing things now!!!!

This summer has been wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. A million times better than last summer. I didn't do much last summer and was always missing the ex... so annoying. This summer I have been doing so much and having a great fun time. I owe this to a dear "friend" of mine.

I will try to get back on this. God Bless everyone!

2011 - The year to get my $#*% together

2011 is going to be a great, yet difficult year. Actually, maybe I shouldn't use the word difficult because, like The Secret teaches, it will be. So,I will change my thought. 2011 will be a great year that I am ready and confident to face and succeed in.

I started writing this entry on the 3rd and now it is the 17th. Most people started readjusting with work and the new year when the new year started, but not I. Abraham was here for 16 days and he just left yesterday. Life was wonderfully normal, a normal that I wish was permanent*. He left and today was my first day without him. Blah. I was pretty productive, but I am missing him. I'm pretty sure that tomorrow when I go into the office and he calls me from his office (in London) I will suddenly get back into what the real normal is - long distance. Luckily, we only have 30 days until we see each other again - yay!

However, this year has a bigger focus - my new job. I was overwhelmed the last 2 weeks of 2010 and the first week of this year. My mind was definitely flooded with thoughts of "ok, I said in the interview I would succeed, sooo now I have to do it," "I said I would be a rock star and noooow it is time to prove myself." Good thing is that I have started this year in a great way (with a couple hiccups) and I really think this week - err tomorrow - I will finally get started with my "normal" schedule. Again - if my regular schedule/life had Abraham in it, it would be fantastic.

I am looking forward to a few events this year. Of course, it is all in God's plan if they will go through or not.
- Christmas 2010 in Houston w/family CHECK
- Abraham's visit in January and staying long enough to celebrate my birthday CHECK
- Visit Abraham in February
- Go to Houston in April for double joy; seeing my family and attending the Desai Wedding Part 2
- Attend Orlando's wedding, which is actually a vacation on the cruise in April!
- Run the Burlington, VT marathon at the end of May
- I hope for a certain visit in June
- Possible trip to Austin for 4th of July weekend
- Possible trip to New Orleans for a wedding in November
- Christmas in Columbia (please please please God!)
and it would be great if...
- I work hard and succeed as much as I want to in my new role
and it would be amazing if...
- My long distance boyfriend found a job here in the city and moved back :-D

This year I would like to finally get in shape OR just realize that I do look good. Haha.... what I mean is... this past Saturday Abraham, Mat (his best friend) and I went to his really good friend's birthday party which was 80's theme. (side note: I have always wanted to do that for my 30th birthday!!! and this party was so much fun that I will definitely do it!) We had to dress 80's and I loved how I looked. LOL... I wouldn't stop smiling or saying "I look adorable!" Haha Anyways, it was a nice feeling to feel so secure in my looks. I know, I know... looks aren't important, but being proud and secure is!

I'm now rambling....(what's new?!)

*I'm not complaining. I am just saying I'm looking forward to it.

BIG Change

A LOT has happened since my last posting and I will not bore you with the details. But I will share the great things that God has been giving me.

1) Wake up call. My insecurities about the long distance relationship got the best of me and we almost broke up. We didn't because we love each other and really want to be together, so we decided to give it more time and see if I can fix this nasty issue of mine. I think the "almost break up" was a wake up call for me and I finally snapped out of it. There was/is no reason for me to be insecure. Everything about the relationship is great (obvi, minus the distance) and Abraham is a loving boyfriend. Thank goodness I snapped out of it and came back to normal me - happy and confident.

2) I completed my 3rd marathon in Albuquerque, NM with my super close and wonderful friend, Veronica. I arrived a week early to get acclimated, worked virtual, had tons of funny conversations and great times with Vero and her boyfriend, Eddie. The marathon was as tough as expected because I was not prepared and I was having stomach issues. I'm glad to have finished with a smile at the slow time of 4:53 BUT am super proud of myself. I'm looking forward to my next marathon on may 29th in Burlington, VT.

3) I applied for the 3rd time for a job that I really really wanted. It's to be a Client Manager here at the same company. Third time is a charm! I got the job! It's a great promotion and I am excited. This job will be a HUGE change in my life because my current role is very 9 to 5 and not goal oriented. This new role is basically sales and i will be "graded" on what I bring into the company. My dream? To exceed my goals and be a rock star!

4) The BIGGEST change is that I have grown SO MUCH this year. The year started off all weird and sad and confusing and the end is looking pretty damn good. All the challenges I have had so far this year have taught me 2 things that are actually hand in hand. Patience and Faith. Never in my life have I been so patient and so faithful. Never have I really let go and let God. Never have I bitten my tongue or calmed myself down as much as I have this year.

I am so proud of myself!!! And I am so proud of myself because this is a huge lesson to have learned at age 28! I want to remember this and stay this way.

I specifically want to remember...

• how relieved I was with the New Year's Eve break up. It sucked because I didn't see it coming, but I wanted it and didn't listen to myself (2nd time I had done this). I want to remember that I was disappointed in myself for not being honest and remember how good it felt when I was "free".
• how confident and secure I felt after the break up. I loved myself! I would look in the mirror and be happy. I would pray to God everyday and say thank you!
• how I let that confidence slip away and almost ruined something so special to me.
• how I feel right this very minute. How good it feels to be patient and calm and to trust God and His plan.

The slips this year all happened because I would somehow lose faith. NO MORE. I am so GRATEFUL.... so grateful. Thank you God!

Too Many Long Distance Relationships

I just realized that I am in more than just 1 long distance relationship and I have learned even more that I am not good at it. The obvious long distance relationship is the one with my boyfriend, Abraham*, aka Complicado. If you remember from 2008 Abraham had moved to London right after I moved to NYC, therefore, logistically we could only be friends. Well this time around we are in different places in our lives and we chose to go for it and see what the future holds for us as a couple. Well the near future (these 4 months) since May we have been in a long distance relationship. No me gusta. Not one bit. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I sometimes say it is worse than being single with no prospects. I only say that because when you are single you are not longing for one person or missing one person or wishing you were with that one person. You just hope that you will meet someone. In a long distance relationship you just want that one person you are in love with. So I hate it only because we do not get to be together and spend evenings with each other and we are always missing out on each other's lives. What's worse is that we don't know when we will see each other next or even when we will finally be in the same country. (This is when Abraham would say I'm being tivo, which is our word for negative.)

So, this is the obvious long distance relationship.

The other long distance relationship(s) is with my family. They are in Houston and I am over thousand miles away from them. And it can be tough sometimes! Especially now that Olvia is in the picture. Noah, Ava and Leila know me well and when we see each other it's like no time has passed. But I only spent a week with Olivia and I'm not sure if she will remember me when I return to Texas for Christmas.

Crazy thing is that I have cried before for the kids but never have I cried as I did this past Sunday. I miss Olivia so much. She is the sweetest, coolest, smartest 2 year old I have ever met. My sister and her family got sooo lucky to have been able to adopt her. A family couldn't have asked for a better child.

So where am I now emotionally? I was a hot mess on Sunday and Monday, but am feeling better and almost back to normal today. I just keep thinking "umm, why do I have to be separated from the ones I love the most?" I choose to live here in New York and choose to be in a serious relationship with a man who lives in London, so I get that.... but it is still weird or feels unfair.

I need to focus on the good and not the bad. Wait, so I should change the words I use. Here I go again.

I want to focus on the good. Focus on the great blessings of having a new addition to the family and for having a wonderful loving boyfriend. I want to appreciate my wonderful life and not focus on these small factors that aren't the best but still blessings.

My adorable litte niece, Olivia.

The man I have fallen for twice. My wonderful boyfriend, Abraham, on his 30th birthday.

*This is the first time I have named Complicado by his real name.

New chapters

I can't think of a title for this post because I have tons to say but not sure of what to share. So much has happened in the last few months and I'm very happy and excited about the future but lately I somehow slowed down and am just really enjoying the present.

I just realized that I kind of lied. I know why I'm enjoying the present. Duh.

I haven't really mentioned Complicado being back in my life. I haven't shared details because I kind of feel silly (for many reasons). Being reunited with him was a surprise (for the both of us) and it really has changed the way we expected our year to be. I was not planning on being in an relationship and definitely never thought he and I would be together. He definitely was not planning or ever thought about having me back in his life (at this level). God is mysterious creator of life and its experiences, isn't He?

Complicado still has his nickname but there is no longer a complication on what we are or what we are doing. The only 'complication' is that we are long distance because he is still living in London. So, yes. We are officially together and we have become serious quite quickly. This is why i think long distance relationships are funny.

1. Because your relationship is different and you do not see each other often you don't want to get too serious too fast. BUT because you're an adult and you are committing to a person who lives elsewhere you are taking a serious step.
2. The serious step has many factors to it. Commitment. Communication. Establishing trust at the very beginning. Being secure in your partner and the relationship.
3. Then because you don't see each other when you are together it's like a honeymoon. And you get to experience normal relationship stuff. Watching tv together. Cooking together. Going to the movies. Hanging out with friends.
4. Now that you are being a normal couple you start to get to know each other in the this-is-who-i-am-on-an-everyday level.

So basically, you get serious quickly based upon feelings, chemistry and connection and then start getting to know each other.

Anyways. I'm happy and still very surprised. I am still having moments of "oh my goodness God. You have brought us back together. You straight up answered my prayer 2 years later." And I thank God everyday for this.

I am also thanking God for the giant new chapter in my family's life - Olivia. My sister and Leo leave to China in 2 days to pick up my adopted niece! I cannot believe the time is here. I already have Olivia's picture up at my work desk but it won't be real until I hear from my sister and she says that she and Leo officially have her. Weird! I truly believe that Olivia is going to adjust quickly and beautifully. Lucky us to have a new little treasure join our loving but sometimes crazy family. Lucky us to be given a wonderful gift from God. Lucky us!

I will go home at the beginning of September for 10 days and am hoping that Olivia and I bond. Fingers crossed!

Ok, I'm at work and should be...well, working.

Ah. Figured out the title to the post.

Phenomenal

So my insecurities got the best of me and I have possibly just messed up BIG time. Ok i did mess up big time but I'm human and I forgive myself because God forgives me and I can only look forward. (Plus, looking backwards is what messed me up...I kind of tripped and had to catch my fall before it got worse). BUT I will not worry or be concerned. I will just turn this around like I have done before and get back to my old self - confident, secure and happy. I do think I am pretty awesome so now I just have to remind myself. I'll be ok. I know it.

What am I going to do?
1) Practice yoga weekly
2) Be my own cheerleader
and most importantly, 3) Pray, pray, pray and trust God

First little pre step. Read my favorite poem.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
-Maya Angelou

WISE words from Steve Jobs & a personal note from me

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005. It is a bit long and will take a few minutes to read but is completely worth reading! I have highlighted my favorite parts, so even if you want to skim through it you can read, in my opinion, the best parts. There is also another personal note from me at the end.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

I believe in this. I believe in following your heart and doing what will make you happy. As long as you are smart, think it through, reach out to wise people in your life to hear their experiences and advice, pray to God to ask for guidance, and then being confident when doing all this. I know I was supposed to, so I don't regret it, but being in Houston from 2004 to 2008 was a setback for me. No offense to the events, to the relationship I was in, to the job I had. I loved it all. But I was stuck and I knew it. I knew it because I felt it deep inside and I knew because the most important relationships in my life (my family and best friends) were not doing well and/or were not being cultivated on my part. I can go further into this but I won't. When I moved to NYC in 2008 I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and the moment I stepped on that plane a weight was lifted off of me. Then when I ended the relationship I was in, more weight was lifted off of me. Then I made some bad choices which led me to weight gain and heart break - 1.5 times (haha... just being honest)....but then that led me to losing weight, getting back into running, being the most confident I have ever been in life, extremely happy, and in the recent months, looking forward to the unknown future with a a big smile and feeling so calm. Yesterday, I was thinking and thinking and thinking about what if this, what if that...but then I read this commencement speech. I've had this speech printed and in my work bag for weeks now and it wasn't until yesterday that I picked it up to read. It was like God said, "ok monica, time to read that speech." Steve Jobs is right. One has to live for themselves and not for others. (Not talking about being a spouse here.) One has to trust that the dots will be connected and have faith that the outcome will be spectacular. Only thing is that one must be faithful and full of courage and confidence. That's me. So I'm going to keep being confident and do what I want. I have faith in God that I will get promoted when the time and job is right for me. I have faith that I will stay motivated with my running and have a better time in my next marathon. I have faith that I will be fine and happy with whatever outcome I have with Complicado. I have faith that my sister and her husband will have a great trip to China and bring home a happy adorable little girl who will naturally be a part of our family like my other nephew and nieces.

Anyways, that's a just a few thoughts.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better thing can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe